The Art of Letting Go

I realise letting go is an art.
An art to master.
Let go,
short as it may seem,
yet,
many has seen it a long way to learn..
Indeed,
it is hard,
to let go in various ways.

Letting go anger.
Letting go chances.
Letting go loved ones - for them to learn on their own.
Letting go those whom you cherished.
Letting go yourself.

Letting go anger.
Guess,
among all,
i believe it's the simplest.
It is more of anger,
It is more of the feeling of couldnt get over something,
It is more of the feeling of being a failure.
Most of it,
it happens when we compare ourselves to others,
when we see ourselves being treated unfairly,
when we see ourselves do not get what we deserved.
Guess what,
world is fair,
or un-fair,
depend on how you see it.
Unfair 'cause u didn't get what you want.
Fair 'cause it wasn't meant to be yours from the start.

Letting go chances,
we always frowned and cursed over the chances we missed.
Maybe,
it is just not for you.
Maybe,
there's just another better path for you awaits you.
Maybe,
it's just destined.
Let the opportunity goes,
but do not sit and lay back,
and wait for destiny's arrangements.
At the very least,
Fight for what you believe,
then,
you would not regret over what you would have done.

Letting go loved ones so as for them to grow.
Apparently,
this happen mostly to parents,
or siblings,
and minority between friends.
We always see it hard to let go of them,
'cause they mean too much to us,
'cause we love them too much.
We don't wanna see them stumble on their life,
We try to provide every single effort we could,
so as to smooth-en their path or journey.
We give advice on various important things,
yet,
they are mostly forgotten and unappreciated.
We always cover and protect them,
in the end,
they just hurt us.
And it is very hard for others to get over it,
as we always want to see the bad results,
to prove them wrong for their choice,
to prove yourself correct in the first place,
to prove them silly for not listening to you.
Yet,
Does it matter?
From those experience,
If they learnt something from it,
wouldnt it be better?

Letting go whom you cherished.
It is hard for your beloved one to leave you.
It is hard to see them leave you.
It is hard to replace that empty space that is left there in the heart.
'Cause,
it could never be replaced.
And it would be hollow for that space,
Forever.
Letting go,
would never be easy in this case.
We always love the past,
love the moments we shared with our loved ones,
love the comfort zone while we were in with our loved ones.
When they leave,
we feel lost,
insecure,
and weak.
If they leave you for eternity,
it would even be harder to let go,
'cause we would never be able to seek that comfort anymore.
And we try to keep those bits and pieces together,
we try to keep those memories together,
we try to remember their faces,
but time mercilessly snatch those from us,
leaving us faded,
blur memories......

Lastly,
Letting yourself go.
We are always bound by the responsibility in this society.
Sometimes,
we could not breathe,
we are so stressed up that we are angst,
we get annoyed easily,
we get angry,
and we lost our rational,
creating more harm.
Take some time off,
slow your pace,
slow yourself down.
Let yourself let go.
Let yourself go.
Let yourself leave the routine for the moment.
Breathe.
Rest.
And then pick up.
And strive hard again.
We are always trapped in the world's routine,
we always forgot to slow down our pace,
to look at the surroundings,
to feel the breeze,
to feel the love from our beloved,
to feel the release of stress,
to feel the time as yours,
to feel your own breath.
Slowing down our pace,
we are able to clearly observe,
what's happening,
every single bit,
of nature,
of emotions,
of the world.

stressing up?

Guess,
things have been building up,
and i think you won't probably pop by any time soon =)
and exams are making u so weak,
and same here.

Things are still like tat,
im juz very stressed up.
Yes,
i always have my brave-front,
yet,
i noe,
u noe wat's running inside.

Frens,
feels like,
drifting away.
Im not sure wat to expect.
Nothing's happening,
nothing's moving.
Guess,
it's juz drifting.
No matter how much i hold it dearly,
it would still,
drift,
coz the other end,
it's a loose-grip.

Getting close to darling,
yet,
i noe,
we would the extend of juz friends.
I doubt we would eventually b super close,
coz,
he's way too pragmatic,
and,
im expecting,
we would drift,
juz due to different classes we would eventually attend.
Yeap,
am feeling good with him,
at least,
there's some1 i can really joke with,
spend time for breakfasts,
styling hair,
and so forth,
yea,
we are quite close,
n i noe,
we wouldnt reach the extend,
that we could eventually hug,
or heart-to-heart talk,
coz,
he's reserved,
bout himself.
and that would be the barrier.

And,
i realise,
my EQ,
dropped,
coz,
maybe,
im juz too stressed.
Or as HQ had said,
Accounting has made me so realistic,
and,
am i really the person,
who wanna do what i want?
Guess,
im still happy with what i have now,
juz tat,
im kinda stressed out,
and of coz,
lonely.
and i lost and missed human touch.

Tests,
CGPA,
arh,
all these are juz,
annoying.
3.5
how the hell am i gonna keep it==
like,
aihz,
nvm,
guess wat choice do i have left with?
nothing,
but juz work hard for it.

Tired,
Insomnia,
Restless,
Mundane,
Lonely,
and
Aimless

The Change

Guess,
lots of changes have been occurring,
lots of losses,
lots of gains.
lots of starts,
lots of ends.
lots of cries,
lots of smiles.
lots of learning,
lots of teaching.

Guess,
this world is cool,
awesome,
and amazing.
Things come n go for reasons we won't really noe.
Yet,
arrangements are made so flawless.
I could not doubt,
and I would not go into any investigation,
of how
or why,
things happen for these ways.

Yes,
coz i truly believe,
in equivalent trade,
i believe in karma,
i believe in fate,
and i believe in wat's happening now is more important.
and i really dun wanna live in the past any more.

I want to live,
the way i want to live,
holding on to those i cherish so much,
holding on to pieces of torn memories,
holding on to those i just started learning to love,
holding on to those tiny meaningful acts,
holding on to those too-hard-to-achieve principle,
holding on to those who really cherish me,
holding on to those i love so dearly.

Accepted or rejected,
loved or hated,
i am who i am,
and im unique in my way =)

Thoughts

Sometimes,
i feel tat im strong,
but i noe i am not,
Im not perfect,
but i keep trying.
I noe im weak inside,
sometimes i juz wonder
how am i gonna survive in this world.
Sometimes,
i feel im so weak deep inside,
i feel all kinds of feeling towards others.
i feel pity, sympathy,
i feel helpless,
and i feel uselss.

Twitter,
has made me gone mad,
i realise i love doing wat i like to do.
i do it for the sake to complete it,
i didnt really love twitter.
It was cool,
but when stress comes along,
guess,
it's natural for everyone to repel them.
sometimes,
i wonder will i survive with this mindset.
I think im juz too hopeful for this world,
am i not?
sometimes,
people are juz being realistic with what life brings about.
Heard bout course mates not attached to the parents even when they are the only child,
so,
wat's gonna happen next?
when they get married,
wat will happen to the parents?
sometimes,
i juz dun understand.
How can child nt attached to parents?
i juz dunno
a lot of thoughts are running.
Though i had a quite unpleasant hols at home,
yet,
i still miss home,
i miss mummy daddy n kor kor.
I miss kor poh.
i miss home.
i hope to rewind
go back
to when i was naive,
when i dun think so much,
when im juz the innocent noob back then.
I heard that people who misses home are matured,
I really wonder why am i so matured,
why am i so selfless,
sometimes,
i feel more bout others than my own,
y can't i be selfish,
am i born this way?
sometimes,
i hate myself,
but wat can i really do?
arh,
im juz,
lost.

Doing twitter,
i still hope tat u r there.
they talked bout u,
the promised u made,
yes,
it's still imprinted in our memory,
u will be there for us.
i noe it's kinda unfair if we hold u back,
yet it is unfair at ur part to leave us like tat.
mayb it's juz me,
maybe it's juz me alone,
coz who the heck ask me to get so attached to u.
It juz made u forcefully need to noe me more,
and i believe it's unfair on this part.
To start of,
u are not even close to me at all,
y bother?
really,
juz tell me off,
lemme pain for a moment,
and that's it..
why are u giving me hope in this frenship?

and here comes the thought of rud,
i really couldnt remember ur birthday,
but i found out,
21st Oct.
Im so sorry,
i guess,
i am not important to u anymore,
guess,
ur birthdays,
i wouldnt even exist in the slight corner of ur mind.
How could i juz not bother?
think of those days that we were bloody damn closed,
yet,
tears rolling down coz of the fragment of this frenship.
i wonder it still exist.
sometimes,
im so proud to tell others bout u,
and in the end,
it seems,
imma banging myself into a wall.
and yea,
ended up,
i get hurt when i talk bout u.
still,
i think of u here and then..
moments when we ate instant noodle,
moments i screamed at u for laundry,
moments i iron uniform for us,
moments that we spend out,
moments we spent at chinatown searching for mooncake,
moments we slept together,
moments of buddy hug,
moments of sense of belonging.
now,
it's moments of nothing.

I wasnt really ok actually,
guess i wont be any better till i really get a close fren.
i wonder,
why do i have frens named eric,
and leave me after that.
if u r not meant to stay,
please dun come,
it will hurt me more.
I noe u come for a reason,
to settle me in a new environment?
im so sorry to say,
eric matthew capel,
it was too short the time for me to be able to forge this frenship,
and now,
we r mere strangers.
Eric ma,
im afraid the same thing is juz gonna happen.
guess,
it's jus an imba frenship,
u shd stop giving me hope if there isnt anything to start of with.
and please,
im so tired of breaking walls down,
and being so opened all the time.
im tired of reading people,
im tired of reading emotions,
im tired of observing,
why the hell im burdened by this gift?
tell me,
would u?

come to think of it,
im tired of starting anew,
but life's always new,
y?
thoughts of death,
thoughts of life,
keep rushing to me,
wat's next?
thoughts of seeing our beloved ones in coffin,
im fearful,
i really am,
i dun wanna imagine,
but it keeps coming,
i cant imagine myself in it too.
wat will happen next?

Being perfect?
i noe i'll nv be,
im juz being myself,
i wanna be more selfish,
but yet,
it juz doesnt run in my blood,
y?
why am i this way?
Fated?
but y is it fated this way?

i juz miss a lot of people,
a lot of places,
a lot of moments...

=) guess it's time to let go and buck up =)

Guess things have been happening,
and sometimes we could not even react with them,
things are going too fast.
Im slowing my pace for now,
i am tired of chasing,
or shd i say im already not chasing,
and i hope ppl will chase after me instead =)

yea,
imma tired pig now,
would rest,
and do wateva i like..
of coz i will do wateva i have to do too =)

thought through lots of things,
lots of frens,
lots of family members,
lots about life.
Guess,
it's time to let the past go,
pray for the future,
and enjoy now.
and it will be
Live through the past
Hope for the future,
Appreciate and cherish now.. =)
yeap.

all the love i can give to u who read this =)
love u guys always.

Lonely

Erm,
guess,
being at the bbq nv really made me feel very belong either,
fri's class outing's a failure too,
arh,
guess depression on the way.
I wonder,
how am i going to survive this.

Though HQ n KW has been all the while bside me,
creating fun in my life,
life still bores me.
I couldnt get any close fren,
yea,
close fren that i really mean it,
like rud.
Guess,
nv will i get close to any1 i guess?
He has made me feel so weird.
like he has set up that barrier.
guess,
tat's the extent we could go.
i hope nothing much from uni life i guess.
coz i've seen all these coming.
It's a brand new start,
and why am i here?
it's kinda unfair,
coz they have all primary, secondary, jc frens..
i,
only had limited JC girl frens that are in NTU.
Sad,
and im allergic to 2 certain groups that i wont get any closer.
Im sick and tired of them,
maybe,
it's juz those few.
but i've already lost hope in them.
im really tired.
Im lonely,
and,
im juz empty.

Thanks to HQ and KW who keeps accompanying me,
but then again,
ppl like me who is very high,
still,
looking for close frens.
Why can't i juz stop it?
i dunno y but i juz cannot live with the feeling of comfort.
i want to get close frens,
at least,
meals are not alone,
lectures i have a place to belong.
Im actually kinda sad.
"oh im going with my primary frens."
"Oh im sitting with my JC frens"
bla bla bla.
Im tired.
yea,
i tried very best to blend in,
yet these walls are juz there.
im tired of breaking walls already.
im sick of getting close fren actually.
it's not easy,
it's total break down of the wall in the heart.
how many frens can really noe wat u r thinking?
I wanna build frenship tat last forever.
i wanna build frenship that could sacrifice for each other.
and i wanna build frenship that i can always turn to,
cling on,
believe in.
yet,
lines are drawn,
walls are built.
Breaking it down,
im capable.
but im juz tired of doing it anymore
guess,
juz get this 3 years done,
and get out of uni.
Uni is juz a brand new start.
a brand new topic,
a brand new course,
a brand new lifestyle,
a brand new struggle,
a brand new independence,
a brand new start,
and brand new search of frens,
where they are practically cliqued to each other.

talked bout uni,
we have been living in the past,
not wanting our JC life to get over.
Lost the lime light,
yet,
it's like so minute,
i feel so insignificant
i feel so useless.
yet,
i dun like lime light anymore.
i wanna be freed from expectations.
but,
things are not doing great,
people still expects things from me.
arh,
i needa rest.
i need a comfortable place.
i need security.
i need familiarity.
i need frens.

Life here

Once again bout life,
Once again,
someone passed away,
Jiayi's Dad.
Thanks uncle,
i didnt really get to interact much with you,
but u are a respectable figure to me.
Im so sorry for jiayi n her family,
things jus happen so suddenly.
Sometimes,
we just take things for granted.
when will we just breathe our last breath?
when will we just see some1 so dearly to us collapse,
and never ever wake up anymore?
when will we hear some1 so dearly to us,
pass away?
when will we stare into the coffin,
looking at those we dear for the last time?
Things are juz unexpectable.
Things are juz sudden.
Things are juz unavoidable.
Things are juz irreversible.
Are we prepared for these things?
Am I?

Was talking to Zip,
Wonderful nite we had
talked bout rud,
realised i havent really let him go totally,
maybe im juz too over protective..
sometimes,
good intentions,
juz get bombed.
I miss u actually,
rud.

Moved in NTU hostel,
thanks to Huiquan and family
for everything.
Really,
im so lucky to be taken care of,
to be so lucky..
Basically they packed everything for me
provide me with electrical appliances,
provide care that i need,
and really,
thank you.
I do not want to take things for granted.
Thank you..

Tut mates are normal,
hope would b able to bond like a class.
Tired of getting another buddy,
since people are like diff and clique-ish
Tired.
Juz stay low profile.

Miss NYJC,
Miss 0816,
Miss Home,
Miss everything.

Reflections

Sometimes,
i have just too much thoughts.
I couldnt possibly put everything down into words.

The other day,
went out with Teck Cheong,
had a long time talk,
and finally,
he has opened up to me.

It's a give n take,
equivalent take.
"if u give some1 present,
wat do u get?"
i answered,
"stronger bonds"

Isnt life juz amazing?
Think of it,
wat u r having now,
wat u r doing now,
isnt everything juz plain coincidence?
isnt everything juz plain arrangement?
isnt all these juz fate?

I always believe,
who i met,
wat i do,
wat i will meet
and watever it is in life,
it's juz arranged,
and it's juz amazingly
arranged.

It has been a lot of thoughts recently.
From class outing,
i realise,
i really love my class.
and that leads to me realising,
i really could give wateva i could to those i really love.
Ben n Jerry the other day,
with the class,
though i spent 40 odd bucks
for the 4 pints ice-cream,
what i've exchanged is the smiles from my classmates
and even if they want to pay me back the money,
i rejected.
coz i noe,
money is not the only thing that matters in life.
Now,
i understand,
y juz a smile,
everything changes.
i believe,
evelyn loved the ice-cream,
i believe all of us did,
and i believe,
we all love each other.

Talking bout money,
mum has been haunting me,
poisoning me the importance of money.
True,
this world is really realistic,
no money,
we can do no shit,
yet,
even with money,
will we be able to have truthful friends?
will we be able to have promised health?
will we be able to ensure happiness in our life?
that's y,
i noe and i learnt,
tat money
is juz a tool in this world,
from the devil.
money,
is juz the root of all evil,
if we,
could not possibly be rational,
things will juz go hair-wired

Talking to Teck Cheong,
he has struck me with the mindset of comparison.
Compare,
aint it tiring?
isn't it tired being compared with?
isn't it tired comparing urself with others?
i realise,
lots of my frens have been using me as a gauge.
uses me as the guideline.
I have always been compared with.
and i have always known that.
Till today,
people are still comparing themselves with me.
Y take all the trouble to compare?
Y not,
love who u r,
accept who u r?
to be frank,
im really lucky to have such many good things,
yet,
im still not perfect,
and no one will ever be.
So if comparing makes u have the urge to improve,
it's a good thing,
but if it's giving too much pressure,
and it has negative impacts,
comparing juz harms.
Think of it,
i am tired being compared with.
I aint that good as u all think.
I have my flaws.
and i think the world is fair.
even with wat i got now,
being so perfect,
wat i would lose eventually,
could be health and longevity.
Coz the world is fair,
and yep,
tat's the possible things that i could lose.
And aint that the saddest thing?
coz life's juz amazing,
and i really hope to live a little longer,
and longer to really learn how to love everything on this universe.

Today,
i realise,
the universal language is not english,
is expression.
Be it a smile,
be it cry,
be it anger,
be it any feelings,
it's the facial expression,
that shows all.
and i love seeing the world smile,
seeing people smiling at each other,
i dunno why,
i juz love smiles.
Tat's wat i realise from evelyn.
im practically,
loving smiles coz of her,
coz she made me realise,
how much important it is,
to smile,
to make the world smile,
and to make those around us feel happy.
Guess we have to really smile more,
and make the world a better place =D

Was juz talking bout Truthfulness with Seong Jin.
Guess,
i believe the most important attitude is truthful.
i dunno y,
but i have always trying to inculcate truthfulness.
I always believe,
life is juz more than us ourselves,
so y being selfish?
The world aint juz make up by ME alone,
rite?
and we have to really rely on others for living,
and i believe truthfulness,
is the key.
Being truthful,
it helps open up others,
if u are true,
if others feel u r true,
then,
they will feel comfortable with u.
but the problem in this world is,
people have been using this
to harm others.
Yep,
all for wat?
their own interest.
Y have we been all so selfish?
Y is our world juz ME?
Y isnt it US?
Sometimes,
u will be let down,
coz that's the natural defense people build up against truthfulness.
Coz there are so many fakers outside trying to invade us.
Yet,
if we are true,
we will try,
even harder if we fail.
and eventually,
i believe it will pay out.
as i've tried since sec1,
to approach TC,
after 7 years,
yep,
i managed to speak to him,
heart to heart.
It's bout consistency,
it's bout perseverance,
it's bout selflessness,
it's bout truthfulness,
it's bout love.

People will tell me that things will be hard to achieve,
im being to idealistic.
Yea i believe so,
but come on,
if everyone disband the thoughts immediately when they think it's too idealistic,
will this world ever change?
i always believe,
if we want things to change,
we should start it ourselves,
and be the example.
I reached out to those i love,
coz i want my loved ones reaching out to those they love.
Eventually,
this will end up being a network,
that we care for each other,
isnt it?
and wat we dislike happening on us,
we shd also stop doing them on people,
tat's juz the way the world goes.
If i could help a person,
and that person help another person,
and this will eventually make up a network of love,
and i believe,
this will eventually change the world,
even by a little bit.
all we have to do is juz,
have this love and care within us..

Have been thinking bout life a lot recently.
Have i been doing enuff for everything?
Have i really love my life?
Have i really love what im doing?
Have i really love what's happening around?
Have i really think thru life?
Have i really no regrets being this way?
Have i.....
there are so much for me to think of.
Yet,
i still conclude that,
i really do love my life,
for wat im doing,
for all the troubles i have,
for all the coincidence,
for all the smiles i met,
for all the touch of heart,
and for all whom i love.

Dear mum,
i do love u,
it's hard to express this worry for u,
and it's so hard to get to u.
i noe it's hard to change at this age,
but pls do believe in ur kids k?
Please dun worry so much,
coz u will grow old even faster,
and we will be worrying bout u more than any problems.
and sometimes,
learn to let go mum.
these are juz things tat will make us regret,
so learn to let go,
tat's the most important thing.
I love you mummy.

Blog?

hmm..
seems quite a while since i blogged..
im so sorry for not updating
but then again,
i dun quite noe why i lost this blogging feeling,
and i dun feel like blogging out what i feel anymore.

Coz,
i realise,
the internet is kinda scary,
people commenting their views too openly,
which in turn,
hurt a lot of people.
Yep,
i got hurt too,
and i could not believe,
it happened.
Guess,
it's time to let go,
and it's time to stand up,
and be independent.
I still believe,
and I still respect,
tat's y,
nothing i had commented so personally,
would end up in my blog and facebook anymore.
coz,
u noe wat?
grown up people will be much rational,
and not juz spit and bitch everything they feel on internet.
not anymore,
to me.
In the end,
facebook is just a mere web to connect me with my frens.
and nothing else.

Thinking back,
i've been quite dependent lately,
probably,
it was due to my lost.
and,
it's time to be alone and stand firm,
to be independent.
dun get me wrong,
i am not discarding any relationships,
and yet,
i wanna stay firm,
confident,
and strong.
I used to be the role model,
for whom,
people look up to,
people respect,
people who talked about when they talk bout something good.
I am actually tired of that kind of life,
ever since kindergarten,
parents have been looking at me,
hoping their child would be as good as me,
then again,
dear parents,
u juz missed up their talents,
and u juz put more pressure to them.
in the end,
u will need to acknowledge ur own children's strength,
rite?
I am actually tired of being looked up to.
I was so famous back home,
almost everyone noes bout me,
yet again,
what does it bring?
fame?
LOL,
it's juz mere pressure.
I realise,
i have been living like tat for a long time.
Until,
i lost her.
then,
i crumple down,
i tried to be strong,
i tried to be firm,
i tried,
but yet,
there's too much i learned.
and there's too much to be learned.
i'm not matured enuff,
i need to be cool, calm and composed,
i need to be more rationale,
i need to be more confident.
i noe i need to,
yet,
im tired.

Those eyes that stares at me,
had decreased tremendously.
i didn't want to be the best,
and i wasn't the best though.
Im kinda tired,
and tat's y,
i have been so dependent.
After all,
JC life led me to lots of lessons in life.
What we had forged,
it's not easy.
Whatever shit we have been through,
we been through together,
tough,
yet no regrets.
=)

Thinking through my JC life,
i really did my effort,
i really have no more regret.
I doubt all this frenships will last,
but then again,
i hope they would.
my family and my home in sg,
u all will always be missed.
i could not even remember the times i said i miss 0816 and 31st,
ever since JC life ended.
I remember i even said it before JC life ends.
yup,
til today,
this point of time,
i miss all of you.
i really hope all of u will be fine,
i really hope for the best for all of you.
and i noe i will gonna miss all of you until the last breathe of my life.
i will be so proud to talk to my kids,
or even grandkids,
bout what i've been through.

Life,
so uncertain,
who knows i will juz poof tomolo?
who knows one of my dearest will juz go?
who knows what happen tomolo?
life,
so precious,
yet so fragile.
Learn,
Love,
Live.

This feeling to blog came back,
and i do miss my grandaunt.
i miss 31st,
i miss 0816,
i miss aldo staffs,
i miss my brother,
i miss all my secondary school friends.
so much changes,
yet,
so much still stay the same.
This feeling of being home,
i'm so missing it.
i realise,
i run away from problems.
i am not facing them as firm as i thought i did.
i realise,
im weak.
im so weak inside out.
im so fragile.
im so useless.

Yet,
i will still have hope
coz,
wat life brings is jus hope,
being alive,
is one great awesome thing,
aint it?
Learning bout Pandora's box,
according to greek mythology,
what was left behind when all evil stroke the world,
after this lady opened the box,
is,
HOPE.
yep,
hope,
and always live on.

The thought of changing the world is so naive.
yet,
i noe i could make a difference.
being open,
being vulnerable is who i am.
and im aware of the consequences that brings along,
yet,
im truthful.
i have nothing to regret.
and i will stay this way,
i believe,
even if i fail,
whatever i wish to change,
would juz pass from 1 person to another,
in the end,
eventhough it takes eternity,
it will still pass on,
eventually,
i believe,
this love for this world would remain.
Love,
Hope,
these are the amazing things we have,
and we should treasure them.

On the top,
i said i would not say anything i feel so openly,
that only applies to bitching.
i would really respect,
and wish i could keep what i say.
and i will still be blogging,
about myself,
about happy things,
about life.

20 years old,
and 21 is coming,
soon is 30,
then 40,
then 60
then....
i won't noe.
the thought of death is so scary.
the thought of death,
is worrying.
what will happen?
what will happen then?
life goes on for those who r still alive.
what will happen to me?
is there really heaven and hell?
and will i be seeing all my dearest?
thinking,
wat happen if it's my parents?
im gonna cry my lungs out i believe.
please.
im afraid of death.
and being alone,
makes things worse.
what will life eventually turn out?
will i have a chance to see this world again?
and many more things.
that's y,
i love my life coz it's gonna be this once,
and even if i will come back again,
i will be another person.

i love my life dearly,
and i really love what i am doing.
even stoning,
it's juz proof that im still alive.
in the end,
i need to be very strong,
and very confident.
i really need to.

Life has been treating me awesome.
and,
a lot of friends i met,
and a lot more i have yet to meet.
im cherishing all of u,
would u all please cherish all that u loved too?
life,
is really like a journey.
It will come to an end,
and the process is still the most important thing,
and whatever the outcome is,
we would have no regret.

In the end,
learn to love whatever we have.
Im learning,
and i hope u all learn this too.
Let's learn to love our lives more dearly.

Love,
Wei

Realise

Realised a lot of things.
I am an extreme person.
I am,
i knew it long ago.

I realise i love a lot of songs.
I realise a lot of feelings i could not express myself.

I realise,
I'm juz a fool,
an actor performing on the stage of life.
juz being forgotten,
after the end of the performance.
rite?

I realise,
Im tired of work.
I realise,
i'm gonna get out of my mind.
I realise,
i dun belong here.
I realise,
i miss home.
I realise,
im tired of wat im doing.
I realise,
im juz wasting my time.

Thanks keat for keep up with my blog.
I haven't been blogging for long,
coz onlining is a pain,
and it's not worth it,
as there's no point on getting on.

I miss home,
really really a lot.
Nv felt this way before.
Im tired of chasing after sales.
Im tired of sales target.
Yet,
i still need to hang on with this.
i noe,
in time,
i need to learn to accept.
tat's y im trying to learn.
to love wat i am doing.

Things have changed so much,
yet u haven't change.
yet u couldn't accept the change.
U need time,
but reality always dun allow it.
This is the mean world we r living in.

Im so sorry for those shitty days i've given.
Yet,
u will not even come here to see all these.
I noe u too well.
And things will never be the same anymore.
The lines had been drawn slowly.
and i noe i need to leave u bit by bit.
Im still living on the hopes u have given me.
but now,
im really tired.
yup,
get on with ur life.

Now,
wat i'm thinking,
it's juz to mind my own things.
im not doing perfectly well.
im struggling also with my life.
here im trying my best,
turning over,
i see ur sluggish life.
I feel disgusted.
where's the sense of urgency?
where's the sense of belonging?
where's the sense to improve?
where's the sense to learn?
where's the urgent to grow?
i see none from u.

I miss those studying days,
I miss my council life.
I miss my moments with 0816.
I miss the moments playing with u.
I miss the moments with my secondary school friends.
I miss the moments in camp
I miss the moments im at home.
I miss the moments i spent with my cousin.
I miss the moments i spent with my brother.
I miss the moments i spent with my parents.
I miss the moments i spent with my grandaunt.
I miss,
the young childish moments.

I dun wanna grow up.
The pressure i'm facing.
the responsibility that comes with greater wisdom.
the responsibility that comes with greater knowledge.
The complexity doubles when ur age increses just by 1.
The difference in life,
the meaning of life,
the changes,
and everything.
They will all juz change..

Can i juz stop and rewind?
i would like to go back to lotz of the moments.
i want to stay young.
childish,
naive
and pure.

If u think im the perfect person,
actually,
im not.
i am really not.
im stained.
im juz,
a person full of flaws.
im juz a loser.
im juz a helpless person.
im juz useless.
i ain't that strong as u think,
i ain't that disciplined as u thought,
i ain't that smart as u imagines,
i ain't that sensitive as u felt,
i ain't that good after all.
im juz a piece of useless shit.

anyway,
i am learning to stand,
i noe im now kneeling,
or maybe life flat on the ground.
it's time to stand up.
it's time to really stand up.
i dun need to rely on u.
i need to be independent.
i need to be strong.
i need to be.
coz i have to be.

If u happen to see this,
love is one greatest thing,
human can give.
care and concern from deep in the heart,
is not always hanging by ur mouth using words.
They are shown,
They can be felt,
They can be impactful.
And,
u will really learn when u lose.
All the time,
i dun wan u to come to this step,
yet,
u insisted,
so juz move on,
and fall into the trap.
I would not give u a hand this time,
STAND UP urself.
i won't be there.
coz im gonna drift away from u,
to stop this suffering.

Ultimately,
i still care.
Louis is rite.
Awesome lar u, Lou..
xD
but then again,
i need to learn,
im still so naive,
im still so weak.
i need to grow,
i need to control myself,
i need to have more confidence.
i need to.
and i have to.
coz this is my life,
it all depends on me..

Signing off,
determined,
Venn..

Awesome

Awesome,
like really,
this is the 1st time i ever felt this way.
Awesome, =)
thanks to u xD

LOL,
this was once and the only time i had felt this way.
i really am speechless,
and im numb,
that's wat i feel now =)

All i could blame is myself,
whoelse?
xD
not u,
like DUH??
u r like completely,
correct.

From the start,
getting close to u,
was an epic wrong move.
thinking back,
i've so controlled ur life.
No church,
No band,
nothing else,
but juz u and me.

Today,
i understand how it feels for u,
and i understand how it feels being betrayed.

Thanks for the awesome mid nite,
that i could not sleep when i got on the next day.
which is like AWESOME to the MAX..
xD

i wonder,
all the things we had done,
u done it all with force from me.
IM SO SORRY to make u do things u nv liked.
IM SO SORRY for making u do things i like.
IM SO SORRY for fucking ur life up.

Today,
it's pay back time =)
yup,
u did an awesome job =)
ya
i appreciate it though =)

All these times,
u nv visited my blog,
u nv knew how i feel,
u nv knew who u r to me..
Today,
im telling u all here=)
in my blog.

ok,
to tell u the truth,
i felt very belong to u,
as a buddy,
i dun mind sacrificing my life for u,
tat's wat i believe,
even my life i could give,
what else could i not.
Today, i feel so dumb,
being deceived like totally..

Coz of love,
u betrayed me.
For watever i told u,
it was only meant for u,
what did u fucking do?
tell me?
u told the other person.
and thanks man,
u juz made a confirm stand to the rest of the world,
that i am ......
im really speechless,
even if i really am,
u dun need to do this.
U NOE SHE GOT A BLOODY BIG MOUTH,
U NOE SHE AND I ARE NOT IN BLOODY GOOD TERMS,
if u had fucking decided,
then go ahead,
fuck u for being so selfish and greedy,
FUCK U IDIOT
u wan both things best to u,
wat bout me?
wat bout the other person?
are u fair towards us??

yea,
u have decided,
then go ur path,
i will drift,
dun fucking let me live in hope,
wat hope u gave me ?
it's all ruined,
it's all unachivable.
wat u gave was juz false hope.
u said everything will be better
but u juz made it worse
and u noe wat?
the best thing is u FUCKING RUIN MY REPUTATION.
thanks man..

Maybe,
we are juz different world,
that couldn't be wat we promised,
it's destined,
for u to come in,
fake everything,
and fucking betray me =)
yup,
awesome,
screw my life.. xD

hmm.. best of luck please

it's been the long time since i posted,
tried to write my previous blog,
but unable to complete..

Now,
this mood is like scary,
dun fret,
miss chiew said,
but in the end,
it really matters a lot,
how to not be afraid?
even though whatever effort we put in,
the results come out may not be the thing we want,
and what if it's good?
what if it's bad?

aihz,
i really have no idea,
wat to pursue,
not mentioning where or when,
how,
whatever,
like really confusing,
and it's like omg..

what if my result really suck big time,
what if i couldn't get the uni i want,
what if i couldn't get scholarship,
so many what if,
and im so tired of it..

i really hope,
the route that is the best,
juz appear to me,
like what i've always believed,
destined,
and i shd juz folo this path im destined to go..

Please keep me strong,
no matter what it may turn out,
please keep me sane,
and keep me cheerful.
i really hope the best for everyone,
and yes, all the best.. x.x

Emo-ing? hmm..

Orientation,
Oh shit man,
i miss council term,
where we are in the lime light,
i really miss those times,
where we can really organise everything for the school population,
i wonder,
was these efforts being appreciated..
to those who benefited,
will they realise that we played a part too?
but to the dear J1s,
u need to thank ur dearest OGLs..
looking back those photos we took,
i see those smiles,
i see those bonds forming,
i see those amazing OGLs that are around,
to help to coordinate,
to help to really stick all of them within the class,
to help us build a school,
to help us build up fun...

no mood to blog le.. cont some other day..

Happy Birthday to me =)

Guess,
it's juz another year has passed,
and another step closer to death?

LOL..
anyway,
it's another usual b'day,
not much celebration,
not those i've wanted..
*erm, dun feel bad k?
juz my real thoughts*

I've been able to give surprises to my frens,
during their birthday,
coz that's what i've always wanted for myself,
sometimes,
things we wanted,
that's the push we could plan for someone else dear to us,
there's the passion,
there's the thought,
and there's the love..

Saying im fine without presents,
probably is fake,
who does not wish to have presents?
haha,
wat to do?
blame myself for the bad timings,
and wat i would love to have,
wat present i would like,
it's kinda obvious =)
but then again,
everyone's too busy to notice,
and this year,
guess it's the most pathetic of all,
1 present =s
guess,
the hardwork of this lovely present,
is the most valuable present for my twenteen birthday..

Was all alone for the entire day,
shopping,
visit to temple,
travelling around,
until i had movie with my god-siblings,
guess,
everyone's juz so busy,
guess,
it's jus a bad timing for my birthday,
wat to do?

says i enjoyed my birthday,
nah,
not really,
coz all the time was alone,
but for the last part for dinner movie and starbucks,
guess,
that's the highlight for my own birthday,
papa and mama,
also forgot i guess,
=)
a lot of my frens also forgot,
even my house mates nv notice =x
nah,
am fine with it..
im juz
borned
in
a
wrong
time
=x

anyway,
i was prepared for this birthday,
coz everyone's busy=)
nah,
am fine with it,
glad my god-siblings are around,
and glad that the small celebration occurred,
and thanks for the day =)

Happy birthday Stevenn =)

aihz

i cried,
like finally,
S.E.N.S songs are really,
touching my heart deeply,
spur out this emotions,
and i think it's better for me to cry.

thinking again,
another quiet b'day,
am i really used to it?
or i actually hope for something for my bday?
B'day has nv been important to my parents,
and they have not been a proper birthday,
coz we dun usually celebrate.
I hope to have a gathering,
to have lotz of present,
but all this are juz mere imagination and hopes.
guess,
a quiet b'day again,
guess im prepared for it..

I feel so cheated,
and i really dun feel like doing anything,
im like so so so so out of mind.
i noe i shd be strong to carry on.
im picking myself up.
worry not.
i juz hope u dun read these.

Cheated..

Maybe,
whatever that keeps pushing me has gone,
and it juz broke me twice..
i got cheated..

Aldo,
i've put in my passion,
n juz,
u told me that,
i could not get my own pair of shoes,
even if i work 6 months,
i won't be able to get the shoes..
U juz broke my momentum,
that is wat has been pushing me all the while,
and now,
it seems pointless..

And u,
i juz realise,
i got cheated,
like all the while..
maybe wat she say is true,
u came back for a reason.
even if u were to take advantage of me,
guess i juz owe u in my previous life.
i regretted asking,
i almost break down and cry,
tears are running,
and i noe it was all the past,
and i should not even ask,
and just let it kept as a beautiful memory between u and me.
Apparently,
it was one-sided,
and u juz played on,
by cheating me,
and faked to me..
guess wat?
now i understand y u didn't dare to see me..
and everything juz linked up..
im utterly upset.
and im really sad..
thanks though,
for playing the role so well..

Orientation.. The past and present..

Juz went for orientation 2010..
was not as good as it was during our batch,
complained a lot,
but i should noe that every1 has given their bestest,
so,
i shall learn to accept it,
no matter how much flaw it has,
no matter how many mistakes there are,
at least,
it is successful,
and AAR will help to really make them realise things are different..

Thinking back,
Orientation was a blast during our year,
we had this mindset,
everything is for the school..
Things maybe different now,
Weird arrangements,
and a lot of unexpected things..
We love the school,
Orientation was with objectives like,
School Bonding,
Class Bonding,
and Enjoying..
We had achieved those i believe,
and seeing this orientation,
i could only sigh..

Things happen,
people are getting so selfish,
they do things for their own,
they make things happen for their own benefit..
and many many more..
Thinking back,
we were in good terms with HE..
and now,
problems created out of tiny mini things,
juz coz of sides we took,
ended up,
we are really,
nothing but stranger..
It make me think that there are more than one reason behind it..
and i still do not understand it happened,
guess u r juz too ashamed to befren me anymore,
guess u regretted watever happened...

I always believe in equivalent trade,
being fatalistic,
yet optimistic and really,
things will be much different..
I lost u,
but i got a buddy back,
instead,
i hope this bond is forged even stronger..
Losing u,
gaining another one,
it's always a trade..
I lost things recently,
i think it's fated,
and i really am fine with it,
coz these are still things im able to buy,
im able to sacrifice,
able to regain..
i wan these important things of mine,
to really stay on with me..
i really hope,
i could really change a little bit,
at least to each and everyone in my circle of life..
I do my best,
juz to cheer things up,
juz to make everyone around me happy..
Im really doing my best already,
even if it takes my energy,
even if it makes me tired,
yet,
i will sit down and be happy that what had happened.
Guess loving what im doing is what's most important.
and i noe im loving my life,
i noe i love wat im doing,
and im putting my effort in it.
i hope everything will be fine,
and really i wish everything will be fine for everyone..

Thinking,
my birthday is coming.
I noe it's very near,
counting down it's like 8 days.
and i noe im not gonna say anything..
saying that i have no expectation is obviously fake.
coz i nv had the birthday i would love to have.
dreaming that kind of birthday ever since i was young,
and i noe this year,
it will not be achieved,
as im working..
and my birthday,
will end up in a tired working day..
nothing else..
a lot of things in my mind that i wana buy,
but then again,
i noe i shd not hope for anything,
and earn myself the money for these things,
that will be my goal while im working..
i hope things turn well
and carry on as it shd be..
i love my life..