Thoughts

Sometimes,
i feel tat im strong,
but i noe i am not,
Im not perfect,
but i keep trying.
I noe im weak inside,
sometimes i juz wonder
how am i gonna survive in this world.
Sometimes,
i feel im so weak deep inside,
i feel all kinds of feeling towards others.
i feel pity, sympathy,
i feel helpless,
and i feel uselss.

Twitter,
has made me gone mad,
i realise i love doing wat i like to do.
i do it for the sake to complete it,
i didnt really love twitter.
It was cool,
but when stress comes along,
guess,
it's natural for everyone to repel them.
sometimes,
i wonder will i survive with this mindset.
I think im juz too hopeful for this world,
am i not?
sometimes,
people are juz being realistic with what life brings about.
Heard bout course mates not attached to the parents even when they are the only child,
so,
wat's gonna happen next?
when they get married,
wat will happen to the parents?
sometimes,
i juz dun understand.
How can child nt attached to parents?
i juz dunno
a lot of thoughts are running.
Though i had a quite unpleasant hols at home,
yet,
i still miss home,
i miss mummy daddy n kor kor.
I miss kor poh.
i miss home.
i hope to rewind
go back
to when i was naive,
when i dun think so much,
when im juz the innocent noob back then.
I heard that people who misses home are matured,
I really wonder why am i so matured,
why am i so selfless,
sometimes,
i feel more bout others than my own,
y can't i be selfish,
am i born this way?
sometimes,
i hate myself,
but wat can i really do?
arh,
im juz,
lost.

Doing twitter,
i still hope tat u r there.
they talked bout u,
the promised u made,
yes,
it's still imprinted in our memory,
u will be there for us.
i noe it's kinda unfair if we hold u back,
yet it is unfair at ur part to leave us like tat.
mayb it's juz me,
maybe it's juz me alone,
coz who the heck ask me to get so attached to u.
It juz made u forcefully need to noe me more,
and i believe it's unfair on this part.
To start of,
u are not even close to me at all,
y bother?
really,
juz tell me off,
lemme pain for a moment,
and that's it..
why are u giving me hope in this frenship?

and here comes the thought of rud,
i really couldnt remember ur birthday,
but i found out,
21st Oct.
Im so sorry,
i guess,
i am not important to u anymore,
guess,
ur birthdays,
i wouldnt even exist in the slight corner of ur mind.
How could i juz not bother?
think of those days that we were bloody damn closed,
yet,
tears rolling down coz of the fragment of this frenship.
i wonder it still exist.
sometimes,
im so proud to tell others bout u,
and in the end,
it seems,
imma banging myself into a wall.
and yea,
ended up,
i get hurt when i talk bout u.
still,
i think of u here and then..
moments when we ate instant noodle,
moments i screamed at u for laundry,
moments i iron uniform for us,
moments that we spend out,
moments we spent at chinatown searching for mooncake,
moments we slept together,
moments of buddy hug,
moments of sense of belonging.
now,
it's moments of nothing.

I wasnt really ok actually,
guess i wont be any better till i really get a close fren.
i wonder,
why do i have frens named eric,
and leave me after that.
if u r not meant to stay,
please dun come,
it will hurt me more.
I noe u come for a reason,
to settle me in a new environment?
im so sorry to say,
eric matthew capel,
it was too short the time for me to be able to forge this frenship,
and now,
we r mere strangers.
Eric ma,
im afraid the same thing is juz gonna happen.
guess,
it's jus an imba frenship,
u shd stop giving me hope if there isnt anything to start of with.
and please,
im so tired of breaking walls down,
and being so opened all the time.
im tired of reading people,
im tired of reading emotions,
im tired of observing,
why the hell im burdened by this gift?
tell me,
would u?

come to think of it,
im tired of starting anew,
but life's always new,
y?
thoughts of death,
thoughts of life,
keep rushing to me,
wat's next?
thoughts of seeing our beloved ones in coffin,
im fearful,
i really am,
i dun wanna imagine,
but it keeps coming,
i cant imagine myself in it too.
wat will happen next?

Being perfect?
i noe i'll nv be,
im juz being myself,
i wanna be more selfish,
but yet,
it juz doesnt run in my blood,
y?
why am i this way?
Fated?
but y is it fated this way?

i juz miss a lot of people,
a lot of places,
a lot of moments...