Lonely

Erm,
guess,
being at the bbq nv really made me feel very belong either,
fri's class outing's a failure too,
arh,
guess depression on the way.
I wonder,
how am i going to survive this.

Though HQ n KW has been all the while bside me,
creating fun in my life,
life still bores me.
I couldnt get any close fren,
yea,
close fren that i really mean it,
like rud.
Guess,
nv will i get close to any1 i guess?
He has made me feel so weird.
like he has set up that barrier.
guess,
tat's the extent we could go.
i hope nothing much from uni life i guess.
coz i've seen all these coming.
It's a brand new start,
and why am i here?
it's kinda unfair,
coz they have all primary, secondary, jc frens..
i,
only had limited JC girl frens that are in NTU.
Sad,
and im allergic to 2 certain groups that i wont get any closer.
Im sick and tired of them,
maybe,
it's juz those few.
but i've already lost hope in them.
im really tired.
Im lonely,
and,
im juz empty.

Thanks to HQ and KW who keeps accompanying me,
but then again,
ppl like me who is very high,
still,
looking for close frens.
Why can't i juz stop it?
i dunno y but i juz cannot live with the feeling of comfort.
i want to get close frens,
at least,
meals are not alone,
lectures i have a place to belong.
Im actually kinda sad.
"oh im going with my primary frens."
"Oh im sitting with my JC frens"
bla bla bla.
Im tired.
yea,
i tried very best to blend in,
yet these walls are juz there.
im tired of breaking walls already.
im sick of getting close fren actually.
it's not easy,
it's total break down of the wall in the heart.
how many frens can really noe wat u r thinking?
I wanna build frenship tat last forever.
i wanna build frenship that could sacrifice for each other.
and i wanna build frenship that i can always turn to,
cling on,
believe in.
yet,
lines are drawn,
walls are built.
Breaking it down,
im capable.
but im juz tired of doing it anymore
guess,
juz get this 3 years done,
and get out of uni.
Uni is juz a brand new start.
a brand new topic,
a brand new course,
a brand new lifestyle,
a brand new struggle,
a brand new independence,
a brand new start,
and brand new search of frens,
where they are practically cliqued to each other.

talked bout uni,
we have been living in the past,
not wanting our JC life to get over.
Lost the lime light,
yet,
it's like so minute,
i feel so insignificant
i feel so useless.
yet,
i dun like lime light anymore.
i wanna be freed from expectations.
but,
things are not doing great,
people still expects things from me.
arh,
i needa rest.
i need a comfortable place.
i need security.
i need familiarity.
i need frens.