Lonely

Erm,
guess,
being at the bbq nv really made me feel very belong either,
fri's class outing's a failure too,
arh,
guess depression on the way.
I wonder,
how am i going to survive this.

Though HQ n KW has been all the while bside me,
creating fun in my life,
life still bores me.
I couldnt get any close fren,
yea,
close fren that i really mean it,
like rud.
Guess,
nv will i get close to any1 i guess?
He has made me feel so weird.
like he has set up that barrier.
guess,
tat's the extent we could go.
i hope nothing much from uni life i guess.
coz i've seen all these coming.
It's a brand new start,
and why am i here?
it's kinda unfair,
coz they have all primary, secondary, jc frens..
i,
only had limited JC girl frens that are in NTU.
Sad,
and im allergic to 2 certain groups that i wont get any closer.
Im sick and tired of them,
maybe,
it's juz those few.
but i've already lost hope in them.
im really tired.
Im lonely,
and,
im juz empty.

Thanks to HQ and KW who keeps accompanying me,
but then again,
ppl like me who is very high,
still,
looking for close frens.
Why can't i juz stop it?
i dunno y but i juz cannot live with the feeling of comfort.
i want to get close frens,
at least,
meals are not alone,
lectures i have a place to belong.
Im actually kinda sad.
"oh im going with my primary frens."
"Oh im sitting with my JC frens"
bla bla bla.
Im tired.
yea,
i tried very best to blend in,
yet these walls are juz there.
im tired of breaking walls already.
im sick of getting close fren actually.
it's not easy,
it's total break down of the wall in the heart.
how many frens can really noe wat u r thinking?
I wanna build frenship tat last forever.
i wanna build frenship that could sacrifice for each other.
and i wanna build frenship that i can always turn to,
cling on,
believe in.
yet,
lines are drawn,
walls are built.
Breaking it down,
im capable.
but im juz tired of doing it anymore
guess,
juz get this 3 years done,
and get out of uni.
Uni is juz a brand new start.
a brand new topic,
a brand new course,
a brand new lifestyle,
a brand new struggle,
a brand new independence,
a brand new start,
and brand new search of frens,
where they are practically cliqued to each other.

talked bout uni,
we have been living in the past,
not wanting our JC life to get over.
Lost the lime light,
yet,
it's like so minute,
i feel so insignificant
i feel so useless.
yet,
i dun like lime light anymore.
i wanna be freed from expectations.
but,
things are not doing great,
people still expects things from me.
arh,
i needa rest.
i need a comfortable place.
i need security.
i need familiarity.
i need frens.

Life here

Once again bout life,
Once again,
someone passed away,
Jiayi's Dad.
Thanks uncle,
i didnt really get to interact much with you,
but u are a respectable figure to me.
Im so sorry for jiayi n her family,
things jus happen so suddenly.
Sometimes,
we just take things for granted.
when will we just breathe our last breath?
when will we just see some1 so dearly to us collapse,
and never ever wake up anymore?
when will we hear some1 so dearly to us,
pass away?
when will we stare into the coffin,
looking at those we dear for the last time?
Things are juz unexpectable.
Things are juz sudden.
Things are juz unavoidable.
Things are juz irreversible.
Are we prepared for these things?
Am I?

Was talking to Zip,
Wonderful nite we had
talked bout rud,
realised i havent really let him go totally,
maybe im juz too over protective..
sometimes,
good intentions,
juz get bombed.
I miss u actually,
rud.

Moved in NTU hostel,
thanks to Huiquan and family
for everything.
Really,
im so lucky to be taken care of,
to be so lucky..
Basically they packed everything for me
provide me with electrical appliances,
provide care that i need,
and really,
thank you.
I do not want to take things for granted.
Thank you..

Tut mates are normal,
hope would b able to bond like a class.
Tired of getting another buddy,
since people are like diff and clique-ish
Tired.
Juz stay low profile.

Miss NYJC,
Miss 0816,
Miss Home,
Miss everything.

Reflections

Sometimes,
i have just too much thoughts.
I couldnt possibly put everything down into words.

The other day,
went out with Teck Cheong,
had a long time talk,
and finally,
he has opened up to me.

It's a give n take,
equivalent take.
"if u give some1 present,
wat do u get?"
i answered,
"stronger bonds"

Isnt life juz amazing?
Think of it,
wat u r having now,
wat u r doing now,
isnt everything juz plain coincidence?
isnt everything juz plain arrangement?
isnt all these juz fate?

I always believe,
who i met,
wat i do,
wat i will meet
and watever it is in life,
it's juz arranged,
and it's juz amazingly
arranged.

It has been a lot of thoughts recently.
From class outing,
i realise,
i really love my class.
and that leads to me realising,
i really could give wateva i could to those i really love.
Ben n Jerry the other day,
with the class,
though i spent 40 odd bucks
for the 4 pints ice-cream,
what i've exchanged is the smiles from my classmates
and even if they want to pay me back the money,
i rejected.
coz i noe,
money is not the only thing that matters in life.
Now,
i understand,
y juz a smile,
everything changes.
i believe,
evelyn loved the ice-cream,
i believe all of us did,
and i believe,
we all love each other.

Talking bout money,
mum has been haunting me,
poisoning me the importance of money.
True,
this world is really realistic,
no money,
we can do no shit,
yet,
even with money,
will we be able to have truthful friends?
will we be able to have promised health?
will we be able to ensure happiness in our life?
that's y,
i noe and i learnt,
tat money
is juz a tool in this world,
from the devil.
money,
is juz the root of all evil,
if we,
could not possibly be rational,
things will juz go hair-wired

Talking to Teck Cheong,
he has struck me with the mindset of comparison.
Compare,
aint it tiring?
isn't it tired being compared with?
isn't it tired comparing urself with others?
i realise,
lots of my frens have been using me as a gauge.
uses me as the guideline.
I have always been compared with.
and i have always known that.
Till today,
people are still comparing themselves with me.
Y take all the trouble to compare?
Y not,
love who u r,
accept who u r?
to be frank,
im really lucky to have such many good things,
yet,
im still not perfect,
and no one will ever be.
So if comparing makes u have the urge to improve,
it's a good thing,
but if it's giving too much pressure,
and it has negative impacts,
comparing juz harms.
Think of it,
i am tired being compared with.
I aint that good as u all think.
I have my flaws.
and i think the world is fair.
even with wat i got now,
being so perfect,
wat i would lose eventually,
could be health and longevity.
Coz the world is fair,
and yep,
tat's the possible things that i could lose.
And aint that the saddest thing?
coz life's juz amazing,
and i really hope to live a little longer,
and longer to really learn how to love everything on this universe.

Today,
i realise,
the universal language is not english,
is expression.
Be it a smile,
be it cry,
be it anger,
be it any feelings,
it's the facial expression,
that shows all.
and i love seeing the world smile,
seeing people smiling at each other,
i dunno why,
i juz love smiles.
Tat's wat i realise from evelyn.
im practically,
loving smiles coz of her,
coz she made me realise,
how much important it is,
to smile,
to make the world smile,
and to make those around us feel happy.
Guess we have to really smile more,
and make the world a better place =D

Was juz talking bout Truthfulness with Seong Jin.
Guess,
i believe the most important attitude is truthful.
i dunno y,
but i have always trying to inculcate truthfulness.
I always believe,
life is juz more than us ourselves,
so y being selfish?
The world aint juz make up by ME alone,
rite?
and we have to really rely on others for living,
and i believe truthfulness,
is the key.
Being truthful,
it helps open up others,
if u are true,
if others feel u r true,
then,
they will feel comfortable with u.
but the problem in this world is,
people have been using this
to harm others.
Yep,
all for wat?
their own interest.
Y have we been all so selfish?
Y is our world juz ME?
Y isnt it US?
Sometimes,
u will be let down,
coz that's the natural defense people build up against truthfulness.
Coz there are so many fakers outside trying to invade us.
Yet,
if we are true,
we will try,
even harder if we fail.
and eventually,
i believe it will pay out.
as i've tried since sec1,
to approach TC,
after 7 years,
yep,
i managed to speak to him,
heart to heart.
It's bout consistency,
it's bout perseverance,
it's bout selflessness,
it's bout truthfulness,
it's bout love.

People will tell me that things will be hard to achieve,
im being to idealistic.
Yea i believe so,
but come on,
if everyone disband the thoughts immediately when they think it's too idealistic,
will this world ever change?
i always believe,
if we want things to change,
we should start it ourselves,
and be the example.
I reached out to those i love,
coz i want my loved ones reaching out to those they love.
Eventually,
this will end up being a network,
that we care for each other,
isnt it?
and wat we dislike happening on us,
we shd also stop doing them on people,
tat's juz the way the world goes.
If i could help a person,
and that person help another person,
and this will eventually make up a network of love,
and i believe,
this will eventually change the world,
even by a little bit.
all we have to do is juz,
have this love and care within us..

Have been thinking bout life a lot recently.
Have i been doing enuff for everything?
Have i really love my life?
Have i really love what im doing?
Have i really love what's happening around?
Have i really think thru life?
Have i really no regrets being this way?
Have i.....
there are so much for me to think of.
Yet,
i still conclude that,
i really do love my life,
for wat im doing,
for all the troubles i have,
for all the coincidence,
for all the smiles i met,
for all the touch of heart,
and for all whom i love.

Dear mum,
i do love u,
it's hard to express this worry for u,
and it's so hard to get to u.
i noe it's hard to change at this age,
but pls do believe in ur kids k?
Please dun worry so much,
coz u will grow old even faster,
and we will be worrying bout u more than any problems.
and sometimes,
learn to let go mum.
these are juz things tat will make us regret,
so learn to let go,
tat's the most important thing.
I love you mummy.

Blog?

hmm..
seems quite a while since i blogged..
im so sorry for not updating
but then again,
i dun quite noe why i lost this blogging feeling,
and i dun feel like blogging out what i feel anymore.

Coz,
i realise,
the internet is kinda scary,
people commenting their views too openly,
which in turn,
hurt a lot of people.
Yep,
i got hurt too,
and i could not believe,
it happened.
Guess,
it's time to let go,
and it's time to stand up,
and be independent.
I still believe,
and I still respect,
tat's y,
nothing i had commented so personally,
would end up in my blog and facebook anymore.
coz,
u noe wat?
grown up people will be much rational,
and not juz spit and bitch everything they feel on internet.
not anymore,
to me.
In the end,
facebook is just a mere web to connect me with my frens.
and nothing else.

Thinking back,
i've been quite dependent lately,
probably,
it was due to my lost.
and,
it's time to be alone and stand firm,
to be independent.
dun get me wrong,
i am not discarding any relationships,
and yet,
i wanna stay firm,
confident,
and strong.
I used to be the role model,
for whom,
people look up to,
people respect,
people who talked about when they talk bout something good.
I am actually tired of that kind of life,
ever since kindergarten,
parents have been looking at me,
hoping their child would be as good as me,
then again,
dear parents,
u juz missed up their talents,
and u juz put more pressure to them.
in the end,
u will need to acknowledge ur own children's strength,
rite?
I am actually tired of being looked up to.
I was so famous back home,
almost everyone noes bout me,
yet again,
what does it bring?
fame?
LOL,
it's juz mere pressure.
I realise,
i have been living like tat for a long time.
Until,
i lost her.
then,
i crumple down,
i tried to be strong,
i tried to be firm,
i tried,
but yet,
there's too much i learned.
and there's too much to be learned.
i'm not matured enuff,
i need to be cool, calm and composed,
i need to be more rationale,
i need to be more confident.
i noe i need to,
yet,
im tired.

Those eyes that stares at me,
had decreased tremendously.
i didn't want to be the best,
and i wasn't the best though.
Im kinda tired,
and tat's y,
i have been so dependent.
After all,
JC life led me to lots of lessons in life.
What we had forged,
it's not easy.
Whatever shit we have been through,
we been through together,
tough,
yet no regrets.
=)

Thinking through my JC life,
i really did my effort,
i really have no more regret.
I doubt all this frenships will last,
but then again,
i hope they would.
my family and my home in sg,
u all will always be missed.
i could not even remember the times i said i miss 0816 and 31st,
ever since JC life ended.
I remember i even said it before JC life ends.
yup,
til today,
this point of time,
i miss all of you.
i really hope all of u will be fine,
i really hope for the best for all of you.
and i noe i will gonna miss all of you until the last breathe of my life.
i will be so proud to talk to my kids,
or even grandkids,
bout what i've been through.

Life,
so uncertain,
who knows i will juz poof tomolo?
who knows one of my dearest will juz go?
who knows what happen tomolo?
life,
so precious,
yet so fragile.
Learn,
Love,
Live.

This feeling to blog came back,
and i do miss my grandaunt.
i miss 31st,
i miss 0816,
i miss aldo staffs,
i miss my brother,
i miss all my secondary school friends.
so much changes,
yet,
so much still stay the same.
This feeling of being home,
i'm so missing it.
i realise,
i run away from problems.
i am not facing them as firm as i thought i did.
i realise,
im weak.
im so weak inside out.
im so fragile.
im so useless.

Yet,
i will still have hope
coz,
wat life brings is jus hope,
being alive,
is one great awesome thing,
aint it?
Learning bout Pandora's box,
according to greek mythology,
what was left behind when all evil stroke the world,
after this lady opened the box,
is,
HOPE.
yep,
hope,
and always live on.

The thought of changing the world is so naive.
yet,
i noe i could make a difference.
being open,
being vulnerable is who i am.
and im aware of the consequences that brings along,
yet,
im truthful.
i have nothing to regret.
and i will stay this way,
i believe,
even if i fail,
whatever i wish to change,
would juz pass from 1 person to another,
in the end,
eventhough it takes eternity,
it will still pass on,
eventually,
i believe,
this love for this world would remain.
Love,
Hope,
these are the amazing things we have,
and we should treasure them.

On the top,
i said i would not say anything i feel so openly,
that only applies to bitching.
i would really respect,
and wish i could keep what i say.
and i will still be blogging,
about myself,
about happy things,
about life.

20 years old,
and 21 is coming,
soon is 30,
then 40,
then 60
then....
i won't noe.
the thought of death is so scary.
the thought of death,
is worrying.
what will happen?
what will happen then?
life goes on for those who r still alive.
what will happen to me?
is there really heaven and hell?
and will i be seeing all my dearest?
thinking,
wat happen if it's my parents?
im gonna cry my lungs out i believe.
please.
im afraid of death.
and being alone,
makes things worse.
what will life eventually turn out?
will i have a chance to see this world again?
and many more things.
that's y,
i love my life coz it's gonna be this once,
and even if i will come back again,
i will be another person.

i love my life dearly,
and i really love what i am doing.
even stoning,
it's juz proof that im still alive.
in the end,
i need to be very strong,
and very confident.
i really need to.

Life has been treating me awesome.
and,
a lot of friends i met,
and a lot more i have yet to meet.
im cherishing all of u,
would u all please cherish all that u loved too?
life,
is really like a journey.
It will come to an end,
and the process is still the most important thing,
and whatever the outcome is,
we would have no regret.

In the end,
learn to love whatever we have.
Im learning,
and i hope u all learn this too.
Let's learn to love our lives more dearly.

Love,
Wei

Realise

Realised a lot of things.
I am an extreme person.
I am,
i knew it long ago.

I realise i love a lot of songs.
I realise a lot of feelings i could not express myself.

I realise,
I'm juz a fool,
an actor performing on the stage of life.
juz being forgotten,
after the end of the performance.
rite?

I realise,
Im tired of work.
I realise,
i'm gonna get out of my mind.
I realise,
i dun belong here.
I realise,
i miss home.
I realise,
im tired of wat im doing.
I realise,
im juz wasting my time.

Thanks keat for keep up with my blog.
I haven't been blogging for long,
coz onlining is a pain,
and it's not worth it,
as there's no point on getting on.

I miss home,
really really a lot.
Nv felt this way before.
Im tired of chasing after sales.
Im tired of sales target.
Yet,
i still need to hang on with this.
i noe,
in time,
i need to learn to accept.
tat's y im trying to learn.
to love wat i am doing.

Things have changed so much,
yet u haven't change.
yet u couldn't accept the change.
U need time,
but reality always dun allow it.
This is the mean world we r living in.

Im so sorry for those shitty days i've given.
Yet,
u will not even come here to see all these.
I noe u too well.
And things will never be the same anymore.
The lines had been drawn slowly.
and i noe i need to leave u bit by bit.
Im still living on the hopes u have given me.
but now,
im really tired.
yup,
get on with ur life.

Now,
wat i'm thinking,
it's juz to mind my own things.
im not doing perfectly well.
im struggling also with my life.
here im trying my best,
turning over,
i see ur sluggish life.
I feel disgusted.
where's the sense of urgency?
where's the sense of belonging?
where's the sense to improve?
where's the sense to learn?
where's the urgent to grow?
i see none from u.

I miss those studying days,
I miss my council life.
I miss my moments with 0816.
I miss the moments playing with u.
I miss the moments with my secondary school friends.
I miss the moments in camp
I miss the moments im at home.
I miss the moments i spent with my cousin.
I miss the moments i spent with my brother.
I miss the moments i spent with my parents.
I miss the moments i spent with my grandaunt.
I miss,
the young childish moments.

I dun wanna grow up.
The pressure i'm facing.
the responsibility that comes with greater wisdom.
the responsibility that comes with greater knowledge.
The complexity doubles when ur age increses just by 1.
The difference in life,
the meaning of life,
the changes,
and everything.
They will all juz change..

Can i juz stop and rewind?
i would like to go back to lotz of the moments.
i want to stay young.
childish,
naive
and pure.

If u think im the perfect person,
actually,
im not.
i am really not.
im stained.
im juz,
a person full of flaws.
im juz a loser.
im juz a helpless person.
im juz useless.
i ain't that strong as u think,
i ain't that disciplined as u thought,
i ain't that smart as u imagines,
i ain't that sensitive as u felt,
i ain't that good after all.
im juz a piece of useless shit.

anyway,
i am learning to stand,
i noe im now kneeling,
or maybe life flat on the ground.
it's time to stand up.
it's time to really stand up.
i dun need to rely on u.
i need to be independent.
i need to be strong.
i need to be.
coz i have to be.

If u happen to see this,
love is one greatest thing,
human can give.
care and concern from deep in the heart,
is not always hanging by ur mouth using words.
They are shown,
They can be felt,
They can be impactful.
And,
u will really learn when u lose.
All the time,
i dun wan u to come to this step,
yet,
u insisted,
so juz move on,
and fall into the trap.
I would not give u a hand this time,
STAND UP urself.
i won't be there.
coz im gonna drift away from u,
to stop this suffering.

Ultimately,
i still care.
Louis is rite.
Awesome lar u, Lou..
xD
but then again,
i need to learn,
im still so naive,
im still so weak.
i need to grow,
i need to control myself,
i need to have more confidence.
i need to.
and i have to.
coz this is my life,
it all depends on me..

Signing off,
determined,
Venn..

Awesome

Awesome,
like really,
this is the 1st time i ever felt this way.
Awesome, =)
thanks to u xD

LOL,
this was once and the only time i had felt this way.
i really am speechless,
and im numb,
that's wat i feel now =)

All i could blame is myself,
whoelse?
xD
not u,
like DUH??
u r like completely,
correct.

From the start,
getting close to u,
was an epic wrong move.
thinking back,
i've so controlled ur life.
No church,
No band,
nothing else,
but juz u and me.

Today,
i understand how it feels for u,
and i understand how it feels being betrayed.

Thanks for the awesome mid nite,
that i could not sleep when i got on the next day.
which is like AWESOME to the MAX..
xD

i wonder,
all the things we had done,
u done it all with force from me.
IM SO SORRY to make u do things u nv liked.
IM SO SORRY for making u do things i like.
IM SO SORRY for fucking ur life up.

Today,
it's pay back time =)
yup,
u did an awesome job =)
ya
i appreciate it though =)

All these times,
u nv visited my blog,
u nv knew how i feel,
u nv knew who u r to me..
Today,
im telling u all here=)
in my blog.

ok,
to tell u the truth,
i felt very belong to u,
as a buddy,
i dun mind sacrificing my life for u,
tat's wat i believe,
even my life i could give,
what else could i not.
Today, i feel so dumb,
being deceived like totally..

Coz of love,
u betrayed me.
For watever i told u,
it was only meant for u,
what did u fucking do?
tell me?
u told the other person.
and thanks man,
u juz made a confirm stand to the rest of the world,
that i am ......
im really speechless,
even if i really am,
u dun need to do this.
U NOE SHE GOT A BLOODY BIG MOUTH,
U NOE SHE AND I ARE NOT IN BLOODY GOOD TERMS,
if u had fucking decided,
then go ahead,
fuck u for being so selfish and greedy,
FUCK U IDIOT
u wan both things best to u,
wat bout me?
wat bout the other person?
are u fair towards us??

yea,
u have decided,
then go ur path,
i will drift,
dun fucking let me live in hope,
wat hope u gave me ?
it's all ruined,
it's all unachivable.
wat u gave was juz false hope.
u said everything will be better
but u juz made it worse
and u noe wat?
the best thing is u FUCKING RUIN MY REPUTATION.
thanks man..

Maybe,
we are juz different world,
that couldn't be wat we promised,
it's destined,
for u to come in,
fake everything,
and fucking betray me =)
yup,
awesome,
screw my life.. xD

hmm.. best of luck please

it's been the long time since i posted,
tried to write my previous blog,
but unable to complete..

Now,
this mood is like scary,
dun fret,
miss chiew said,
but in the end,
it really matters a lot,
how to not be afraid?
even though whatever effort we put in,
the results come out may not be the thing we want,
and what if it's good?
what if it's bad?

aihz,
i really have no idea,
wat to pursue,
not mentioning where or when,
how,
whatever,
like really confusing,
and it's like omg..

what if my result really suck big time,
what if i couldn't get the uni i want,
what if i couldn't get scholarship,
so many what if,
and im so tired of it..

i really hope,
the route that is the best,
juz appear to me,
like what i've always believed,
destined,
and i shd juz folo this path im destined to go..

Please keep me strong,
no matter what it may turn out,
please keep me sane,
and keep me cheerful.
i really hope the best for everyone,
and yes, all the best.. x.x