Gomenasai, Shinyou

I'm sorry..
This freaking mood is killing me..
I wonder what's gonna happen to me,
and i really hope,
i can get a day of rest or 2..
Argh,
i'm kinda pissed at myself,
being so stupid,
being so playful,
being so idiotic..
ARGH..
nah,
i'm so sorry..
whatever u needed to give me,
u have already given..
it's not tat it didn't help,
it did,
and all i wanted just now is to calm down,
to really cry it out,
but tears are not listening to me..
i couldn't..
everything that has embedded deep inside my heart,
is aching ,
is making me uncomfortable,
and is making me mad..
How i wish i'm sick now,
for a few days i'm able to rest..
But,
i'm just too strong..
argh..
Not a good thing to have strong immune system.. x.x

i shd be grateful for not falling sick ill,
for having the heart whereby telling lies will make me uncomfortable..
If not,
i would have been like my roommate,
pon-ing every session of remedial and stuff..
i want to stay on,
but i feel that im just too weak..
i am really very helpless..
i am very selfish..
I'm sorry.....
Sorry, Quan..
hope u r better,
even though u r not feeling well,
u r still there for me..
sorry..
actually,
i was appearing offline,
i dun feel like chatting,
i dun feel like doing anything..
and,
i really dun wanna disturb u,
that's all my intention was..
mayb i shdn't online from the start,
and wouldn't have let u noe bout my stress..
yup,
i realise i'm not kinda ok already..
i wanted a trip to east coast park,
it was essential actually,
but in the end no one wanna go with me..
i need to let go all of them,
back to the ocean,
that devour every single worries..
even though it's momentarily,
it does help in clearing my mind..
i miss the sea..

I'm so sorry,
for being so selfish,
i thought,
not to throw out everything on u would make u better,
but i was wrong,
it affected u even more..
sorry..
argh..
I'm in a F-ing idiotic mood..
i hope i'm sick tml,
really,
pls give me a break..
i'm so darn tired,
exhausted with my life..
sorry to say,
im suffering..
save me...

Stress..

I think i finally realise what is stress..
i dun feel like doing anything,
i dun feel like eating or drinking,
i dun feel like chatting,
i dun feel good in anyway,
i feel like crying,
i feel like going home,
i feel like dying...
i feel like killing myself,

Thoughts..

Mood: Guilty, Astonished..

Do u know:
1) A lot of people have been doing stuff for u..
and you do not notice it some times..
2) There's always someone who thinks of you once in a while..
3) You are meaningful to someone on this earth..
4) There are a lot of things happening around you..
5) Taking things for granted will left u being unappreciative..
6) When you misses someone, someone's missing you even worse..
7) Letting yourself relax, is one great thing..
8) Resting is to let you pursue ur journey..
9) Being loved is so so so so god damn blissful...
10) Knowing ur weaknesses, yet, it's hard to change..

I'm guilty of the almost every one..
A lot of times,
a lot of people have been doing stuff for me..
I know,
and some,
i don't know..
and i really wanna say thanks to those who have done so much for me..
sometimes,
even i noe,
i take things for granted..
i nv really acknowledge it..
i'm so sorry..
i would like to say thanks,
for everything you would have done for me..
even the thought counts..
thanks..

Sometimes,
i think a lot..
Indeed..
and,
i realise who thinks bout me more,
it's my parents..
they miss my voice,
they miss my laughter..
they miss me..
and i was thinking a lot of personal things..
a lot of funny things,
and yet,
those who really think of me,
are at home..
and i hold their hopes..
i shall soar high,
and,
reach out for what i believe is mine...

There are times i really dunno what to do,
or the most suitable word should be,
Mood Swing...
What d heck..
Aihz,
really..
suddenly,
i lost my mood for blogging..
x.x
argh..


i dreamt bout u,
talking to me,
explaining to me,
and yup,
everything went well..
it's that an indication of the turn over of everything?
or it'll just be what it is..
die off eventually?
i've done my part,
and if u heck care,
y do i need to waste my effort?
hope u won't forget that promise we had,
and it's so goddamn awkward,
to really see u,
and being ignore when i wave to u..

Gomenasai..

Mood: Helpless

I'm so sorry..
i can't do much for u..
Though,
we are not that kind of soulmates,
at least,
we are close frens,
basically every1 in our class,
it's like my family members,
and exceptions i think i would not need to say =)..
anyway,
i'm very sorry..
really,
i can't do much,
i just feel that i'm weak,
and i really can't help u..
all i can do,
is just pat u on ur back,
ask u to buff up,
to take it easy.
i even turn the deaf ear to u,
the other day..
i'm so sorry..
i was very disappointed,
and i was very troubled,
when both of u r important to me..
and i'm really very sorry for unable to do anything..
I'm just so powerless,
just so weak,
just nothing..

I saw ur facial expression today,
it's a freaking mixed up feelings,
but all negative ones..
disappointment,
frustration,
anger,
jealousy,
helplessness..
teary eyes u have,
nv noe u have ur weak side,
that jovial u,
that optimistic u,
that confident u..
maybe,
behind every clown that's this part where no one will understand..
i'm so helpless,
i can't even give u a buddy hug,
and i really dunno how to help u,
lost,
i am,
but u r worse..
argh..
i'm so sorry for being so helpless,
so weak..

I tot she's easy,
but in fact she's not,
i've always heard a lot of ur side,
and i though i was biased,
but now,
i think,
it's clearly seen,
and shown,
that everything,
it's just wat we are watching,
maybe there's something behind it,
maybe,
there is,
but i believe,
it would be a great lie..
i'm so sorry..
i would do my best to help u,
this time,
to get u out,
but please let me help u..
dun get shackled on to this for too long,
u r having ur A's man!!
argh..
i'm so sorry..

I know a lot was happening,
I know u were approaching me,
I know everything,
and i was over confident to say that i may persuade her,
i'm sorry,
for giving u that false hope..
for really troubled u..
I was too troubled by those stuff,
and i chose not to bother,
but in the end,
i can take it to see u suffer anymore,
Cheer up dude,
and please,
LET IT GO..
please..

I'm sorry for having the impression that u r a playboy..
i nv though u were this resilience,
and u were so thoughtful,
it's just u had some playful side of u,
but u are romantic and creative..
really,
it was wonderful,
to really get noe of you..
You've changed a lot,
really,
to really sacrifice with no any grudge..
to do wat she likes..
which i really respect u..
Sorry,
and i will do my best from today onwards..
I'm sorry...

Blood Donation..

Actually i'm very afraid of blood donation,
it has always been a scary thing to me,
and generally to msians..
LOL..
hmm..
but this time,
i broke out of my comfort zone,
and i will donate even more blood..

It has been a wrong impression for blood donations..
maybe,
we dun get to experience it,
we dun even get to see what's happening in it,
and,
we always have the impression that,
it's like some vampire sucking out ur blood,
and it will hurt like no one's business..
and,
it's just so weakening after that,
that u can't do anything,
and u may end up lack of blood and those funny stuff..

Today,
many first-timer,
and i'm one of them,
i've always wanted to donate,
but i fear that needle..
not that blood..
=)
anyway,
i managed,
it was no kick
LOL..
nah,
just normal needle "bites"
that's all,
and i donated 450ml..
OMG,
i'm kinda addicted,
i wanna donate again =)
LOL...

anyway,
one thing very pleasant to hear from Brother,
"wah, i feel good today,
maybe, i did something good today"
FYI he donated blood also,
i think i felt that way too =)
and it was awesome=)

I dun mind keeping this donation regular,
coz if my blood can save someone's life,
why not?
After all,
Love's what we need in this world,
spread the love around..
by smile,
by blood donation,
by touch of hearts... =)

第100

情绪：不稳，无奈，无助。

原本想写些开心的事，
可是，
到尾，
还是抵挡不到这可恶的心情。
很多时候，
我恨自己，
为何那么没用，
为何那么不上进。
唉，
可能这就是我吧！

很多时候，
是自讨苦吃。
把自己弄得那么脆弱，
何以把自己的心窍得那么大。
好容易被伤害。
今天，
我已试着，
压抑着自己的心情，
但，
它，
那不速之客，
依然到访。
今天所写的，
也没有头绪，
也不知自己在想什么。

我，
今天放了两次飞机。
早上，
夜晚。
抱歉，
我今天，
心情还真差，
我试着掩饰，
可能你早已看透，
只不过，
撑强的我不要你担心，
有个人关心，
真是幸福。
但，
这一份关心，
我又不可以辜负。
抱歉。
我今天很自私，
玩着电游，
来舒解自己的压力，
却不陪陪你。
这种时间，
我知道你需要我的陪伴，
但我却无能为力。
抱歉。
不容易。
做人真不容易。
很多东西，
尽了力，
结果还是一样，
是我不对吗？
也许，
我尽的也不是那区区的力，
跟人家比起来，
算得了什么？
但，
我已经尽力了。
抱歉，
我依然做得不好。

我开始了解朋友的心事，
辜负家人的心酸。
不好受。
听着以前喜欢的歌，
发觉自己变了不少。
是好是坏，
全都有外人判断。
自己还蛮喜欢现在的自己。
压力，
把我娘造成更吃得苦的人。
与朋友交谈，
发现很多自己以前的固执。
自卫很强，
不想被任何人伤害。
也许，
放下了这个盾，
自己受了不少暗箭，
更受了不少的指责。
然而，
我却迎来了不少知己。
这可能是唯一让我这样下去的理由。

现在，
我很想做些傻事，
不是自残或自毁，
而是一些能够让我防总的活动！
我爱沙滩，
我爱骑脚车，
我爱听海。
我想念以前自由的生活，
我怀念以前的复出，
更怀念在家里的每一刻。
可能，
就要在这种的情况下，
人才会学习。
不知天高地厚的小子，
从乡下来到城市，
也可真学了不少。
好多东西都学会了珍惜。
好多东西都学会了摆平，
更会在公众表现得恰当。
了解了人间的情，
更看透了不少的心，
一些无事不登三宝殿的。
一些却无怨无悔的付出。

我了解，
没有付出，
何来的成果？
有些时候，
我学会了放下，
之后，
才会得到别的东西，
说我贪新忘旧也好，
说我现实也好。
但，
我学会了接收属于自己的，
和排斥自己的。

不知怎的，
今晚的夜晚特别庵。
月亮晓得我的心情吗？
也许吧。
我想念，
好多东西，
数来数去，
还是那几样。
海，
实兆远，
朋友，
姑婆，
家庭，
家。
情绪不稳定，
我不知该做些什么。
我要加倍努力，
名列前茅为我的目标。
我必快马加鞭。
啊，
好难受。
我，
好脆弱。
我，
好无奈。
我，
好无能为力。

今晚，
月亮又再次啃噬了我的岁月。
我，
成不了业。
我，
无可奈何。
心情，
我也该学会怎么选择。
远走高飞吧， 无奈！
兴高采烈，回到我的怀抱吧！

99th post.. Happy Birthday Kaizia =)

Hmm.
Today's the 99th post,
=)
happy birthday Kaizia..
aka gokiburi-chan =)
LOL,
omg i miss those times talking to u man!!
=)
erm,
and of coz,
those sweet moments we had during our sec 3 life =)
yup,
u are one of the best leader i've ever met,
and u are the one who always tries to patch things up,
trying to do the best that u can for each and everyone of us,
and today's ur big day!!
Happy Birthday Kaizia!
=)

Hmm..
u always dun feel awkward with me,
even though after that incident,
and even after then,
we are best friends,
and we could even go shopping with u hooking over my arm,
treating me just like the guy supposedly to be ur boyfren..
i'm perfectly fine with that,
and i'm amused by this closeness we had..
we talked rubbish,
talked cock,
bullshit,
curse and swear,
bout Youth Exchange,
bout japan,
bout all those funny stuff..
argh,
i really miss those moments,
going Thurs Market,
going Tuition together and lots of other stuff,
i just miss those moments =)

Right Now,
i just hope tat,
u would find a better bf =)
and,
u would take care,
hope everything's fine for u,
all the best for u,
sorry for the absence of present,
but my heart and prayers will always be there for u!!
Once again,
Happy Birthday
Kaizia,
my ex,
my buddy,
my soulmate =)